I typed up a completely different Substack post than the one you’re reading now. Shit kind of hit the fan these past few weeks, and when I read what I had been planning to post, it didn’t reflect the month that I had.
Ultimately, this month has been fine. Not horrible, not fantastic. Fine. There were moments of joy and goodness, and a few events that had me wading through emotional sludge. Some of these emotional sludge moments left me questioning my capability as a wife and mother.
Does anyone else love to emotionally self-flagellate when things go awry or out of your control? I’m trying not to do that anymore. When I fuck up, I don’t want to go to my closet of torture weapons and select one to inflict the most psychic damage. I’m getting better at owning my fuck up without hating myself for it.
Self compassion is hard.
Anyway.
It’s officially spring! Rebirth, warmer weather, sun stays in the sky longer, and the year is young! For my husband and I, this is the year of camaraderie. We had our second baby, we feel well (at least more often than not), and we want to spend time with loved ones out in the world. This year feels celebratory! These celebratory feelings are contradictory to the political damnation of our country, but maybe that’s exactly why we’re craving connection with nature and with community. This year, I am choosing to love out of spite.
This year also feels very sexy and hot to meeee. One of my favorite things to do this month has been to find a patch of sun on the floor and lounge and stretch in it like a cat. The sunshine has me craving salt water and heat on my skin. When I peel oranges for my son, I love that sharp and sudden smell of citrus. It’s like a shot of dopamine right to my skull.
In the spirit of hotness, I have composed a Hot List. Feel free to peruse.
Hot
Hot Lists
I love reading people’s Hot Lists. The vibe is always sexy, the recommendations are always spot on.
YouTube Essayists
One of my favorite things in the world is putting on a longform youtube video as I’m getting ready, particularly when it’s about a niche subject or a reflection on pop culture supported by research.
Anything by writer and editor Siobhan Bier Aguilar. I recommend her video, “What Anna Marie Tendler Did (Not) Write About John Mulaney”
Mina Le’s look at Technicolor and film techniques in Hollywood, “why does wicked look like that?”
Hanging Out
It’s no secret that our society has a loneliness epidemic, and one of the factors for this epidemic is that we, as a culture, do not Hang Out. We have lost the art of hanging out. No longer do we invite friends to come over just to sip coffee in the mornings. No longer do we run errands together. In this era of personal productivity and over-scheduling, there is no room to just spend time with each other without a goal or activity involved. This year I want to lounge with friends on the couch in my sweatpants.
Hanging Out: The Radical Power of Killing Time by Sheila Liming is on my TBR list.
Phone Calls
I have been calling someone at least once a week, whether it’s my aunt who lives in Ireland, my boyfriend, or a friend to catch up on the last few months. I started a “book club” with an ex-partner of mine, and once a week we have a standing Monday date where we call and discuss the chapters of the book we’re reading together. Hearing the voice of people I love is really fucking nice.
Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Society, Desire, and the Meaning of Sex by Angela Chen
This is the book being read in my aforementioned “book club.” I would recommend this book to asexuals, allosexuals, and anyone in between. It has been so illuminating and insightful; every page has me reflecting and learning.
Being Real Fucking Silly
What the world needs now is for us to get real whimsical okay. Yes, we should agitate and organize. Yes, we should keep our foot on the necks of our constituents. Yes, we should prepare ourselves.
We should also call people, “buddy,” and say, “get a load of this guy.” We should draw chalk art with our children.
My husband says, “you said it, sister!” after I rant, and I hate it. It also makes me laugh every time.
Paying It Forward
About half a year into dating my boyfriend, I met his wife for the first time. I was terrified. I’m fairly certain I only understood half of what she was saying to me because I could hear my blood rushing in my ears. She was absolutely lovely to me; so sweet, so generous. I would consider us good friends now, and I am grateful to her every day.
I will be meeting my husband’s partner for the first time. It would be a lie to say I don’t have some sort of complicated feelings about it, but my overall feeling is that of warmth and appreciation for her. She makes him happy, she’s supported him, and she makes him feel safe to open up and share about his inner world. For that, I plan to pay it forward. I am going to channel my boyfriend’s wife when meeting my husband’s girlfriend. Easy peasy.
I even texted my boyfriend’s wife to process these feelings. She was a gem, as usual. My boyfriend and I have a catchphrase during these weird but often wholesome moments, “ENM1, baby!” It would apply here.
Thank you for reading my Substack. I’m getting a tremendous amount of catharsis through writing it, even if it’s a little silly or feels like a gross overshare at times. In the spirit of Paying It Forward, I wanted to share my favorite Substack, Bad Brain by Ashlee Reese. Ashlee lost her husband very young to the same rare, mysterious, and ultimately fatal cancer that my mom passed away from. Her writing is extraordinary. When she writes about her late husband, Rob, I grieve for him, for her, and for my own mother. Love endures, even when the story is cut so brutally short.
Happy Spring <3
ENM: Ethical Non-Monogamy